I want to briefly describe a process that I suc\u00adcess\u00adful\u00adly applied to myself on sev\u00ader\u00adal occa\u00adsions when I want\u00aded to change a dis\u00adturb\u00ading behav\u00adior of myself. I devel\u00adoped a three-step process for this purpose.<\/p>\n
Prin\u00adci\u00adple: You are not your reac\u00adtion. If peo\u00adple hurt you and you react hurt\u00ading them, then this is first and fore\u00admost a reac\u00adtion to your own injury. We do not actu\u00adal\u00adly mean the per\u00adson we are fac\u00ading, but real\u00adly only want to defend our\u00adselves. There\u00adfore: You are not your reac\u00adtion. Your reac\u00adtion is learned behav\u00adior. There are oth\u00ader pos\u00adsi\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adties than to com\u00adpen\u00adsate in this way. These only have to be learned.<\/p>\n
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First step:<\/strong> Observe your behav\u00adior<\/em>. In this phase, it will not yet be pos\u00adsi\u00adble to change your behav\u00adior. Rather, you only notice after the fact<\/strong> that you have gone too far again unnec\u00ades\u00adsar\u00adi\u00adly. If you real\u00adize this, say to your\u00adself: \u201cAha! Now you stepped into the trap once again!\u201d If you like, also tell your part\u00adner. And even apol\u00ado\u00adgize for it. But don\u2019t promise that it won\u2019t hap\u00adpen again, because it will<\/strong> hap\u00adpen again. Just apol\u00ado\u00adgize for it. That will make him feel bet\u00adter. At the same time, you can point out to him what has caused your behav\u00adior. To what extent you feel hurt or mis\u00adun\u00adder\u00adstood. This will some\u00adtimes lead to very good conversations.<\/p>\n Sec\u00adond step:<\/strong> Observe your behav\u00adior<\/em>. But in time, your inner alarm will start to go off just as you hurt your part\u00adner. Once you notice it not after\u00adwards, but while it hap\u00adpens<\/strong>, you know that you have entered into the sec\u00adond phase. Now you have the pos\u00adsi\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adty to apol\u00ado\u00adgize imme\u00addi\u00adate\u00adly or to break the spikes right away. This phase will also last longer, weeks to years.<\/p>\n Third step:<\/strong> Observe your behav\u00adior<\/em>. Since you have become more and more sen\u00adsi\u00adtive about your\u00adself, you are now in a posi\u00adtion to notice before,<\/strong> when you get into a \u201cstingy mood\u201d, and now you can con\u00adscious\u00adly decide to live it out, or instead, put the true motives on the table. In this phase you are so far that you can put your own injuries and the lack of under\u00adstand\u00ading on the table before they cause dam\u00adage. The rec\u00adom\u00admend\u00aded course of action is to say such things right away. \u201cMy dear, I don\u2019t feel under\u00adstood by you in the mat\u00adter xxx. But it is impor\u00adtant to me. May I please talk to you again about it and explain to you exact\u00adly what I mean?\u201d Or \u201cI feel hurt by xxx. Why did you do\/said that? Is there a spe\u00adcial rea\u00adson for this?\u201d And already you have fruit\u00adful con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtions that either bring you clos\u00ader to each oth\u00ader or make it clear that you may not belong togeth\u00ader. This would prob\u00ada\u00adbly be the case if he does not respond at any of your con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion offers.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"