Category: Fun

• Tread gen­tly on any­one who looks at you sideways.
• Have lots of long lie-ins.
• Wear stur­dy socks, learn to grow out of medi­um under­wear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the oth­er direc­tion: tell peo­ple you’re nine­ty-sev­en and they’ll think you look f****** great.
• Try to catch a trout and expe­ri­ence the glo­ri­ous feel­ing of let­ting it go and see­ing it swim­ming away.
• Nev­er eat food that comes in a bucket.
• If you don’t know how to med­i­tate at least try to spend some time every day just sit­ting. Boo jog­gers. Don’t work out, work in.
• Play the banjo.
  
• Sleep with some­body you like.
• Eat plen­ty of Liquorice Allsorts.
• Try to live in a place you like.
• Mar­ry some­body you like.
• Try to do a job you like.
• Nev­er turn down an oppor­tu­ni­ty to shout, ‘F*** them all!’ at the top of your voice.
• Avoid big­ots of all descriptions.
• Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old … look for­ward to it.
• Don’t wear tight under­wear on aeroplanes.
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
• Clean your teeth and keep the com­pa­ny of peo­ple who will tell you when there’s spinach on them.
• Avoid peo­ple who say they know the answer and keep the com­pa­ny of peo­ple who are try­ing to under­stand the question.
• Don’t pat ani­mals with sneaky eyes.
• If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.
• Learn to feel sor­ry for music because, although it is the inter­na­tion­al lan­guage, it has no swearwords.
• If you write a book, be sure it has exact­ly sev­en­ty-six ‘fuck­’s in it.
• Avoid giv­ing LSD to guide dogs.
• Don’t be talked into wear­ing a uni­form and salute nobody.
• Nev­er run with scis­sors or oth­er pointy objects.
• Cam­paign against blue Smarties.
• Above all, go to Glas­gow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea cours­ing over your spice-singed tongue, you’ll know what I mean when I say: ‘It’s good to be alive!’. ”

Sor­ry, this entry is only avail­able in Deutsch.

Sor­ry, this entry is only avail­able in Deutsch.

Sor­ry, this entry is only avail­able in Deutsch.

Found at Wattpad.com, post­ed by brownielover1

1. My moth­er taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
   “If you’re going to kill each oth­er, do it out­side. I just fin­ished cleaning.”
2. My moth­er taught me RELIGION.
   “You bet­ter pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My moth­er taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
   “If you don’t straight­en up, I’m going to knock you into the mid­dle of next week!”
4. My moth­er taught me LOGIC.
   “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My moth­er taught me MORE LOGIC.
   ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My moth­er taught me FORESIGHT.
   “Make sure you wear clean under­wear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. Con­tin­ue read­ing 25 Fun­ny things my moth­er taught me

At the 1994 annu­al awards din­ner giv­en by the Amer­i­can Asso­ci­a­tion for Foren­sic Sci­ence, AAFS Pres­i­dent Don Harp­er Mills astound­ed his audi­ence in San Diego with the legal com­pli­ca­tions of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

“On 23 March 1994, the med­ical exam­in­er viewed the body of Ronald Opus and con­clud­ed that he died from a shot­gun wound of the head. The dece­dent had jumped from the top of a ten-sto­ry build­ing intend­ing to com­mit sui­cide (he left a note indi­cat­ing his despon­den­cy). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was inter­rupt­ed by a shot­gun blast through a win­dow, which killed him instant­ly. Nei­ther the shoot­er nor the dece­dent was aware that a safe­ty net had been erect­ed at the eighth floor lev­el to pro­tect some win­dow wash­ers and that Opus would not have been able to com­plete his sui­cide any­way because of this.”

“Ordi­nar­i­ly,” Dr. Mills con­tin­ued, “a per­son who sets out to com­mit sui­cide ulti­mate­ly suc­ceeds, even though the mech­a­nism might not be what he intended.”

Con­tin­ue read­ing Sui­cide or murder?

When God cre­at­ed woman, he worked late on the sixth day.

An angel came by and asked, “Why spend so much time with her?”

The Lord answered. “Have you seen all the spec­i­fi­ca­tions I have to meet to shape her?”

• She has to func­tion in all pos­si­ble situations.
• She has to be able to embrace sev­er­al chil­dren at the same time.
• Be capa­ble of a hug that can heal any­thing from a crushed knee to a bro­ken heart.
• She has to do it all with only two hands.
• She heals her­self when she is sick and can work 18 hours a day.

The angel was impressed: “With only two hands … impos­si­ble! And this is the stan­dard model?”

The angel came clos­er and touched the woman.
“But you made her so soft, sir.”
“She’s soft,” said the Lord.
“But I have made her strong. You can’t imag­ine what she can endure and overcome.”

“Can she think?” asked the angel…
The Lord answered, “she can’t just think, she can reflect and negotiate.”

The angel touched her cheeks…
“Lord, it seems that this cre­ation is leak­ing! You’ve placed too many bur­dens on her.”
“It’s not leak­ing. These are tears”, the Lord cor­rect­ed the angel.

“What’s that for?” asked the angel.
The Lord said, “Tears are her way of express­ing her grief, her doubts, her love, her lone­li­ness, her sor­row and her pride.” …

That made a big impres­sion on the angel, “Lord, you are a genius. You’ve thought of every­thing. A woman is real­ly wonderful.”

The Lord said: “Indeed she is.

• She has pow­er that amazes a man.
• She can cope with prob­lems and car­ry heavy loads.
• She holds hap­pi­ness, love and opinions.
• She smiles when she wants to scream.
• She sings when she feels like cry­ing, cries when she is hap­py and laughs when she is afraid.
• She fights for what she believes in.
• Her love is unconditional.
• Her heart is bro­ken when a loved one or a friend dies, but she finds strength to go on living.”

The angel asked, “So, she’s a per­fect being?”
The Lord replied: “No. She only has one dis­ad­van­tage. She often for­gets what she’s worth”.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hat­ing anyone.
4. Don’t take your­self so seri­ous­ly. No one else does.
5. Pay off your cred­it cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argu­ment. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with some­one. It’s more heal­ing than cry­ing alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retire­ment start­ing with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to choco­late, resis­tance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your chil­dren see you cry.
13. Don’t com­pare your life to oth­ers’. You have no idea what their jour­ney is all about.
14. If a rela­tion­ship has to be a secret, you should­n’t be in it.
15. Every­thing can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t wor­ry; God nev­er blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity par­ties. Get busy liv­ing, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through any­thing if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It’s nev­er too late to have a hap­py child­hood. But the sec­ond one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the can­dles, use the nice sheets, wear the fan­cy lin­gerie. Don’t save it for a spe­cial occa­sion. Today is special.
22. Over­pre­pare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccen­tric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most impor­tant sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your hap­pi­ness except you.
26. Frame every so-called dis­as­ter with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
27. Always choose life.
28. For­give every­one everything.
29. What oth­er peo­ple think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost every­thing. Give time time.
31. How­ev­er good or bad a sit­u­a­tion is, it will change.
32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of any­thing you did or did­n’t do.
35. What­ev­er does­n’t kill you real­ly does make you stronger.
36. Grow­ing old beats the alter­na­tive — dying young.
37. Your chil­dren get only one child­hood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cov­er every human emotion.
39. Get out­side every day. Mir­a­cles are wait­ing everywhere.
40. If we all threw our prob­lems in a pile and saw every­one else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of any­thing that isn’t use­ful, beau­ti­ful or joyful.
43. All that tru­ly mat­ters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No mat­ter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.